A little background
So today I’ll give a little background. Something that’s come up as I’ve started this blog over the past couple days is a lot of critical voices – this is pathetic, it’s so self-indulgent, it’s like every other self-absorbed narcissistic blog out there, etc etc…well, those are ancient – which is close to archaic which is close to archetypal – voices for me. To be honest, they stop me all the time. And I’m trying to use this blog as a way to develop a new relationship with those voices – this time not letting them stop me.
One narrative I can spin – and there’s a good amount of truth in it – is that they are the voices of depression. A depression that has plagued me as far back as I can remember. I could say that my ‘failure’ to create the life I want – a life leading to you, that is – is to a significant degree a result of depression. And there is a lot of truth in that. I could argue the case that depression has dominated the 20 years that I have lived in this house – I mean, really, to live alone from age 30 to age 50, when you desperately want a different life, is an impressive thing. The most honest thing I can say about it, or at least what seems most honest today, is that depression and a near-fanatical drive (that term seems strong, but that’s the phrase that came to mind) to protect myself from disappointment in relationships have combined to keep me in this life where gradually, year over year, I have been ‘dying of loneliness’ (thoug it’s been getting better lately) and my depression has been getting gradually worse. Over the last year, I’ve come to think that ECT is an inevitable part of my future – just like my great-uncle Hans, whose life trajectory has so many resemblances to mine. More about him later – I comment now to see if that narrative changes as I move down the path toward a life that leads to you.