to my children’s children

I will always be with you. I am so happy to be here with you, appreciating you and your being here. When you fall asleep, I will be with you. When you wake up, I will be with you. When you remember to notice that I am here with you, I will be with you. When you forget to notice that I am here with you, I will be with you. When you feel the wind, that is me, here with you. When you are warmed by the sun, that is me, warming you. When you look at the stars, I am with you, looking at you from the heavens. When you are dampened by the rain, that is me soaking into you. You do not need to face this life alone; turn to me, remember me, and I will be with you always. There is no place you can go where I am not; I am always already here with you, to lift you and support you on your path. I cannot take the steps for you, for that only you can do. But I will be with you, embracing you, wanting the best for you always. There is no one more deserving of mercy and love than you. All of the mercy and love in the world is yours, and all of the mercy and love that is shared by others only enlarges the pool that is available to you. Drink from that pool; breathe the love into every part of your body, rest in it, and make of your life what you will. Much of the love that comes your way will come through others; they are vessels through which my radiance shines, making offerings that are constrained by their own limitations. See their offerings  for what they are – fragments of perfect love, offered through the filters of their own finiteness and wounds and confusion. They are doing their best, as are you. When you feel like you are falling short of your goals, I will be with you, wanting the best for you; my encouragement is yours for the taking. When you are alive and full of joy and hope, I will be with you, celebrating and affirming you; our shared joy is yours for the taking. I know you and know your best self. I know what a gift you are to the world, and how much you have to offer. You do not need to limit your offerings to the ways that have been comfortable and manageable in the past; the world awaits your gifts and your love in every area of your life. Thank you for being here and allowing me the privilege of being a companion on your journey.

Hello again…well, it’s been almost two months. What happened? A month of frantic efforts at making the house more secure to reduce the chance of a future break-in; finally realizing that I needed to pace myself with that when I got so depressed that I didn’t care whether I lived or died; a half-week at the shore with Mike (that would be your great-uncle) and family where I felt like I belonged to a family in a way that was so nourishing; a half-week back home doing projects in a meditative “work-practice” manner, leaving me feeling deeply satisfied; a very rough re-entry back at work where I wanted to run screaming from other people wanting things from me – I just wanted to keep tending to these deep aching places in me; a total meltdown over the weekend, again so depressed, feeling so lost, like I couldn’t figure out how to find my way toward a life that works; a renewed commitment to spiritual practices this week – reading Eknath Easwaran, sitting more regularly for longer periods, within two days of the meltdown feeling more deeply calm and at peace than I’ve felt in ages – like I’ve moved through one small part of an ancient deep grief, and now I’m a little freer. So one more step back to re-joining the living is to be here, writing. So here I am – today just a declaration that I’m back. I hope to have more new things unfolding that are worth commenting on here.

Well, tonight we’re going a little off topic – it’s been an unexpectedly exciting evening.

During a break at work today, I was studying the Yamas and Niyamas of yoga – the behaviors and attitudes that form the ethical and moral foundation of yoga. I was particularly drawn to Aparigraha, the practice of non-possessiveness. Here is one definition:

Aparigraha – Non-possessiveness. Literally, “non-grasping.” Being content with what we have with a grateful heart. Letting go, not only of material possessions, but also of attitudes and concepts that no longer serve us.

It turned out to be an unexpectedly timely topic of study. When I got home this evening, I discovered that the house had been robbed in broad daylight while I was at work. Entry was through a basement window broken with a brick, exit was through the basement sliding glass door – left wide open. It was clearly the work of pros – odd places where I’d never think to keep valuables had been opened (e.g. the basement freezer) and seemingly every room and drawer and closet had been gone through. Fortunately, they were very tidy – little was displaced. They were obviously looking for easily-pawned small items – the only things missing are the ipod/speakers I use for dharma talks, the watch I use for timing meditation, my digital camera, and one pillowcase from the bed. Tons of computer peripherals, the stereo and TV, percussion equipment and tools all were not touched.

I spent a good part of the evening with a very nice police officer and a crime scene specialist who took pictures and dusted for fingerprints – both young women who exhibited a wonderful balance of professionalism and warm friendliness. Now everything is cleaned up, the broken windows are boarded, and I’m ready to call it a night.

I feel very fortunate that no one was harmed (Misty was sleeping in her usual place, and Fancy had been returned to her previous owner the night before), nothing was damaged, there was very little to clean up, and all of the stolen items are easily replaced. I’m pleased that I don’t feel shaken – somehow it feels like something that is part of life – and I feel an odd perverse pleasure that I have so little in the way of material possessions that are attractive to thieves. I guess meditation practice really does increase equanimity.

Well. Tonight I actually wrote out a framework of goals. Yesterday I felt small and self-absorbed; tonight I remembered that my highest values are to bring as much generosity, compassion and wisdom into the world as I can, minimizing the greed, anger and ignorance that I generate. And I generate plenty; because I am a human being, and it is the nature of human beings to be greedy, angry and ignorant all too often. The framework for the rest falls into place as a support for those highest values – more about that later. For tonight, I’ll just note that it’s brought me back in a little better alignment with my ‘higher self’ – and, no surprise, has left me feeling better.

So today I’ll give a little background. Something that’s come up as I’ve started this blog over the past couple days is a lot of critical voices – this is pathetic, it’s so self-indulgent, it’s like every other self-absorbed narcissistic blog out there, etc etc…well, those are ancient – which is close to archaic which is close to archetypal – voices for me. To be honest, they stop me all the time. And I’m trying to use this blog as a way to develop a new relationship with those voices – this time not letting them stop me.

One narrative I can spin – and there’s a good amount of truth in it – is that they are the voices of depression. A depression that has plagued me as far back as I can remember. I could say that my ‘failure’ to create the life I want – a life leading to you, that is – is to a significant degree a result of depression. And there is a lot of truth in that. I could argue the case that depression has dominated the 20 years that I have lived in this house – I mean, really, to live alone from age 30 to age 50, when you desperately want a different life, is an impressive thing. The most honest thing I can say about it, or at least what seems most honest today, is that depression and a near-fanatical drive (that term seems strong, but that’s the phrase that came to mind) to protect myself from disappointment in relationships have combined to keep me in this life where gradually, year over year, I have been ‘dying of loneliness’ (thoug it’s been getting better lately) and my depression has been getting gradually worse. Over the last year, I’ve come to think that ECT is an inevitable part of my future – just like my great-uncle Hans, whose life trajectory has so many resemblances to mine. More about him later – I comment now to see if that narrative changes as I move down the path toward a life that leads to you.

So the plan for today was to do the Big Plan: life-goals, decade-goals, 5-year goals, 1-year goals, etc…down to goals for the week. I went down a zillion diffuse tangents – at what level(s) should I be articulating goals? At what level(s) should I be articulating vision? And there was that familiar urge…to give up: ‘wow, this is harder than I thought,’ ‘I thought I was clear on my goals, but obviously I’m not, how depressing,’ etc – but I refuse to have that be the end of what I have to say for myself for today. Finally I decided that setting goals for actually doing 4 things this week – meditation, exercise, de-cluttering and making several phone calls I’ve been avoiding – is a great place to start. I already know that all of those things fit with my longer-term goals. So that will be goal #5 for this week – continue to craft a statement of vision and goals.

So that’s a discerning question that has become clear to me as I write this: whatever I’m pondering/planning, I can always ask myself: what do I already know?

So let me be perfectly clear. I have always believed that my single greatest desire in life is to create a life with a wife and children. Today I am 50 years old – 50-104/365 to be precise, and so far I have not succeeded in creating that life. So something doesn’t square between my desires and my choices, big time. This blog is a device to help me face into that, squarely, and take full responsibility for my choices, past and present.

It is vaguely nauseating to look at these words. And, like every other human being, I will work harder to avoid discomfort than to obtain pleasure. Write it down, nauseate myself…pretty soon making changes will start to look pretty good compared with another dose of nausea.

At least that’s the plan. And hey, writing this blog is change number one, right? :-P Ok, here goes: I can do this, I can do this…

To my children’s children,

I start this blog today, first and foremost, because I want you to be here to read this. And, because I am likely to be gone by the time you are old enough to get to know me directly, I would like you to have some way of knowing something about who I am, and what blessings and challenges and joys life has brought me, and what sort of life I have created out of what I have been given to work with.

I would like this to be a story that you find inspiring to read, a story of triumph over adversity. Today as I write this, I honestly do not know if it will be so. I hope that it will be, and part of that will be the story of converting hope into intention, and intention into action. It will help me as I go to have you along as companions; though you are not yet here, you matter much. If the day comes that you are here to read these words, it would please me if they were of some value to you. The choices I have made and can no longer change have caused me to be gone from your life far sooner than I would have hoped; may these words be a proxy, a shadow, a symbol, a poor substitute for what might have been had I chosen more wisely.